DARK NIGHT OF THE SOUL pendant

Posted on Instagram on July 14, 2019

"Non quid sed quemadmodum feras interest." (Seneca)
(Loosely translated in English: It matters not what you bear, but how you bear it.)
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Do you remember my rings on this theme from a while back? (Two are still available by the way)
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This is the necklace I made.
It was kept on hold for someone but then things changed, so I guess it's ready for a new loving home!
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The most starry night blue goldstone, a hand fabrication in sterling silver with a moth wing and a skull cast from my own carved pearl skulls.

TO RIDE THE DRAGON

Posted on Instagram on July 13, 2019

This piece was made during my week from hell, and I wasn't ready to show it until now.
It took me three days to complete it, between panic attacks, extreme heat, shaky hands for anxiety, exhaustion and all.
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Before I start with the story it's important that you swipe to see the second pic, what I carved in the back.
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So...
With anxiety and panic attacks, they will tell you that the right thing to do is to accept the emotion rather than trying to fight it or resist it - because that only makes things worse.
True, but not easy.
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I was in the backyard one morning. I had woken up at 5 am with my heart already crazy, beating at the drum of anxiety.
I was trying to talk myself down from another anxiety attack, while trying to convince myself that I could do it - I could let my mom go out for groceries shopping without going completely crazy.
I thought to myself...Alice, it's time to face your fear. It's time to slay the dragon.
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Wait. But I like dragons!
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From there, the concept evolved. I tried to imagine the anxiety and panic like a dragon, and every time I felt it rising, I would remind myself to ride the dragon.
To ride a dragon must be quite an impressive and scary thing, you know?
I imagine it's quite intimidating.
I imagine it gives you rushes of adrenaline and a feeling of being quite small and fragile, to be on the back of such a beast while it flies, and rises and falls, wind on your face, senses in overload.
Very similar to a panic attack, hah 😅
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I can't tell you I always succeeded. That I always embraced the emotions. That I didn't try to escape it. That I didn't avoid things that scared me.
But I held this image in my mind and here and there, I did manage to ride my dragon, and to see that maybe, maybe, it wasn't as terrible as I imagined it to be.
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And now I open my hand and let this one go out in the world, for someone else who needs it.
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It's all sterling and fine silver, with a stunner of a Baltic Amber.
The Dragon is my own design, hand carved. One of a kind.

Foxes II

Posted on Instagram on July 12, 2019

I felt the need, the urge to make two more foxes.
Because I needed to soak into the lesson a bit longer.
Because I wanted to make two more affordable versions - after the beautiful emotional reaction the first one got from you all.
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Let me tell you the tale again, if you missed my post a few days back...
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A fox was caught in a hunter's trap. She panicked. She couldn't escape, she didn't want the hunters to kill her. She thought, ok, maybe if I pretend to be dead they will go away and I will be able to escape, someway.
The first hunter comes. He says, the fox is dead, I am going to take her ear.
The fox thinks, well, I can live without a ear, and she stays still, doing her best not to make a sound, while the knife slices her ear.
The second hunter comes. The fox is dead? I am taking her tongue then.
The fox is scared but she thinks, well, I can live without tongue. And she stays still while the hunter cuts it, thinking that they will leave her alone and she will be able to finally escape.
And the third hunter comes.
Since the fox is dead, he says, I will take her heart!
Oh no!!! Thinks the fox. I can't live without my heart!!
And with a mighty effort, with all she has, she pulls at the trap, no matter the pain...And the trap gives and in seconds she is out of sight, running away, free at last.
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It hit home.
Especially when I realized I needed a shower and I was scared to take it - something that happened often a couple years back, when I needed extra xanax for these basic tasks.
And I thought to myself...
I let fear take so much, how much more can I allow it to take away from me?
I kept this close to my heart while doing my best to get out from the hole I fell into.

The Fox I

Posted on Instagram on July 10, 2019

For the past three weeks, I would wake up at 5 a.m. - heart hammering and mind worrying.
After a few days spent turning around in bed, I figured I would listen to audio books. Maybe they would cuddle me back to sleep. Or entertain me, at least.
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A couple of days ago - at what I think was the peak of my discomfort - I put on a book of Sufi tales.
I remember listening to bits and pieces, while dozing on and off.
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I was in a state of semi sleep when I listened to the tale of the fox.
A fox was caught in a hunter's trap. She panicked. She couldn't escape, she didn't want the hunters to kill her. She thought, ok, maybe if I pretend to be dead they will go away and I will be able to escape, someway.
The first hunter comes. He says, the fox is dead, I am going to take her ear.
The fox thinks, well, I can live without a ear, and she stays still, doing her best not to make a sound, while the knife slices her ear.
The second hunter comes. The fox is dead? I am taking her tongue then.
The fox is scared but she thinks, well, I can live without tongue. And she stays still while the hunter cuts it, thinking that they will leave her alone and she will be able to finally escape.
And the third hunter comes.
Since the fox is dead, he says, I will take her heart!
Oh no!!! Thinks the fox. I can't live without my heart!!
And with a mighty effort, with all she has, she pulls at the trap, no matter the pain...And the trap gives and in seconds she is out of sight, running away, free at last.
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It hit home.
Especially when I realized I needed a shower and I was scared to take it - something that happened often a couple years back, when I needed extra xanax for these basic tasks.
And I thought to myself...
I let fear take so much, how much more can I allow it to take away from me?
I kept this close to my heart while doing my best to get out from the hole I fell into.
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This pendant was made together with mine.
The heart of hubei turquoise.
A broken chain (that I let to dangle in the back when I wear it) to symbolize the broken trap.

The Uncomfortable Emotions

Posted on Instagram on June 22, 2019

When you venture into mindfulness (be it through meditation, yoga, therapy, and all of that) something they tell you is that you have to learn to sit with the uncomfortable emotions.
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We tend to have a resistance to them.
"It doesn't feel good, I don't want it."
We tense, we try to escape them, and this usually hooks us up even more - making the discomfort even bigger.
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The key seems to be to be able to observe these unpleasant emotions, like watching the clouds run through the sky, without trying to get rid of them, give them a "meaning", or stomping our feet because we want them gone.
Because we are the observer, not the clouds. The sky is always there even if there are clouds.
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Easier said than done eh?
I KNOW.
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So in the attempt to find a different relationship with these feelings, I started to make puppets of them.
The long process of needle felting, between the comfort of the wool and the repetitive gesture of stabbing the needle, turned out to be perfect for the task.
Lots of time for inner talk while moving the hands.
And this is the first one of my felted "unpleasant buddies".
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What it taught me is that I can feel anxiety - and I felt a lot of it while making this buddy - and still...well, I can look at him and also feel tenderness. A sort of friendship.
And maybe someday I will get to that point in my relationship with anxiety, too 😜