The Fox I

Posted on Instagram on July 10, 2019

For the past three weeks, I would wake up at 5 a.m. - heart hammering and mind worrying.
After a few days spent turning around in bed, I figured I would listen to audio books. Maybe they would cuddle me back to sleep. Or entertain me, at least.
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A couple of days ago - at what I think was the peak of my discomfort - I put on a book of Sufi tales.
I remember listening to bits and pieces, while dozing on and off.
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I was in a state of semi sleep when I listened to the tale of the fox.
A fox was caught in a hunter's trap. She panicked. She couldn't escape, she didn't want the hunters to kill her. She thought, ok, maybe if I pretend to be dead they will go away and I will be able to escape, someway.
The first hunter comes. He says, the fox is dead, I am going to take her ear.
The fox thinks, well, I can live without a ear, and she stays still, doing her best not to make a sound, while the knife slices her ear.
The second hunter comes. The fox is dead? I am taking her tongue then.
The fox is scared but she thinks, well, I can live without tongue. And she stays still while the hunter cuts it, thinking that they will leave her alone and she will be able to finally escape.
And the third hunter comes.
Since the fox is dead, he says, I will take her heart!
Oh no!!! Thinks the fox. I can't live without my heart!!
And with a mighty effort, with all she has, she pulls at the trap, no matter the pain...And the trap gives and in seconds she is out of sight, running away, free at last.
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It hit home.
Especially when I realized I needed a shower and I was scared to take it - something that happened often a couple years back, when I needed extra xanax for these basic tasks.
And I thought to myself...
I let fear take so much, how much more can I allow it to take away from me?
I kept this close to my heart while doing my best to get out from the hole I fell into.
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This pendant was made together with mine.
The heart of hubei turquoise.
A broken chain (that I let to dangle in the back when I wear it) to symbolize the broken trap.