STRONGER

Posted on october 3, 2018

"Hey, what have I got?
Why am I alive , anyway?
Yeah, what have I got
Nobody can take away?

Got my hair, got my head
Got my brains, got my ears
Got my eyes, got my nose
Got my mouth, I got my smile
I got my tongue, got my chin
Got my neck, got my boobies
Got my heart, got my soul
Got my back, I got my sex

I got my arms, got my hands
Got my fingers, got my legs
Got my feet, got my toes
Got my liver, got my blood

I've got life, I've got my freedom
I've got life
I've got the life
And I'm going to keep it
I've got the life"
(Nina Simone)
💙
I am
Stronger than I think
Stronger than you think
Stronger than they think.
Stronger than I was
Ten years ago
One year ago
Yesterday.
.
Something I saw in my mind yesterday, between panic attacks and feeling stretched too thin.
Old patterns. Lack of love and support.
What is trying to pull me down as I push to rise rise rise.
.
And I think that, if I keep repeating myself this, I will be able to finally take flight.
.
That's what I kept whispering while sawing each tiny letter. .
I made the ring for myself, in silver with a herkimer diamond quartz. I didn't plan to make it for sale. But I feel I have to work more with this energy, and that maybe someone else needs this message.

Like on a Rainy Day

Posted on Instagram on September 25, 2018

I woke up tired already, restless and off. Barely slept because an alarm went off the whole bloody night. The full moon as usual wreaks havoc on my emotions. The strong wind makes me irritable.
And it's been a long week. With the move of mom in law I had to face so much - bf having to go to her and out and about for her, much more than I am used to.
I managed. But today I felt the weight of it all.
.
In my stuck ribcage. In my shoulders that feel like up to my ears. In my knuckles, scraped from too much hand washing (hello OCD).
At the bench. Especially there.
.
To make jewelry is my happy place and a big coping tool for me.
So when I sat there and felt empty of energy. When I didn't see the happy flow of ideas in my mind. When I could hear all my restless thoughts comparing me to others...
...I felt miserable. And lost. And not ready to accept the stillness.
.
So I thought I would give it a try and make something simple about this all. Something to tell me that it's ok to be still at times. It's ok to just be.
.
It ended up like a challenging ring, of course. So much for the stress free project. But it taught me.
I chose a chalcedony with the color of the sky when it rains, and a little, marvelous drop of white tourmaline like a raindrop with a rainbow inside it...to call the feeling of those days, that are perfect to be still and snuggled under a blanket.
I ended up giving the ring a rain of leaves and droplets and random silver bits that dangle and dance - to remind myself that this stillness isn't forever. There is dancing all around me and I will join it soon again.
.
It involved a lot of pausing and deep breathing. A lot of making space for the unpleasant feelings. A lot of softening.
A lot of dance between control and surrender. It's in the rugged band, it's in the shiny polished setting. It's in the pale blue stone that feels oh so soft.

All That's Missing - All You Need

Posted on Instagram on September 21, 2018

"I'll be your mirror
Reflect what you are, in case you don't know
(...)
When you think the night has seen your mind
That inside you're twisted and unkind
Let me stand to show that you are blind
Please put down your hands
Cause I see you
I find it hard to believe you don't know
The beauty that you are
But if you don't let me be your eyes
A hand in your darkness, so you won't be afraid"
(Lou Reed)
.
This one has many layers.
Having my mother in law here in town has triggered me in ways I didn't expect.
She is kind to her son, to me. She appreciates what we do. She tells him she is glad to have him around.
And I experience something similar to Christmas or Father's day. I feel like that little kid who doesn't have all that loving love.
I want my mom to be proud of me and see me, see me, appreciate me, tell me how proud she is of the things I conquered, of the steps forward.
.
And I won't have it. That's how things are, and at this point I became decent at giving myself love and approval and cheers. To rely on myself mostly for that. It's one of the biggest things therapy work has given me.
Still...the wound is there and I know I have to witness this sadness. I can't shut it down and let it rot in a mess of panic and whatever.
Today I sat with it and asked for a companion in this, and the doll came.
.
The first layer is...well, she holds a mirror. For when you feel like looking outward for the love and consideration and approval you need. Just look at her in the face. See your face reflected. You are what you need.
.
Another layer is the ancient use of the mirror as a tool to protect oneself from curses, because it reflects them back to the sender.
For me it means that not only I am learning to live without their approval, but that I am learning to not take all their shit.
I used to be the one to take it all. And explode in anger and pain only when I was so fucking full I was breaking. Not anymore. What they throw at me that I don't want, I hand it back to them.

You are it

Posted on Instagram on september 18, 2018

This piece is born on the peak of a new step forward for me - one I fought hard for, one I thought I would never see.
It's about feeling almost whole.
Realising that I am all I have been looking for during my life - my protector, the one who cares about me, the one who is proud of me, the one who sees me...
The realization of being on a new step of the path came after a challenging hard heavy week - one that I not only survived well, but that I faced much better than I hoped. I didn't even dream that I could be that strong.
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The construction of the piece itself was a challenge. The bottom part of the body is a hollow shape built with two half spheres that I formed with hammer and flame.
.
This lady is a little goddess, in a way. She recalls the primitive in her shape and in the rugged texture.
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This lady is a rattle. Inside her bottom part I put little metal spheres and crunched sapphire and tourmaline. Rattles are used, between other things, to clear energy.
This rattle here, it is to remind you that you don't need a rattle. Yep.
You know, often in our world of new age and contamination, we hide ourselves behind tools and excuses. Mind you, I think those tools are great. If you don't forget what they are...
Tools. They don't do the work for you. If you keep shielding your energy field with golden light but you allow every person on your life to walk on you like a doormat, or if you talk shit constantly to yourself...that shield of golden light won't do much.
A rattle can't clear the negative energy that you keep building and carrying around by allowing others to mentally abuse you, or by keeping yourself shut down and miserable.
.
So this rattle is to remind you that...well, you are the rattle. Hah. .
And you are the sun and the moon, the light and the darkness, you are it. You are the universe.
You are it all.
Mind blowing.
.
She holds a great burning disk of water cast copper above her head, and an Ethiopian opal on her tummy. Her necklace is 9k gold, her body is sterling and fine silver, hand fabricated (not cast).
She is unique and can't be replicated.

Serenity Spirit Doll

Posted on Instagram on September 14, 2018

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference."
(Serenity Prayer)
💙
You have seen her yesterday, when she just started to shape up.
.
She has been a much needed lesson and practice in surrender.
.
Because there is so much going on right now for me - things I worked to make happen and that still scare and challenge me - things happening that I can't control - things I want to avoid or control and I can't do either - also good things I am not used to have and that some part of me is scared of.
.
When I melted the silver for the body and realised it was melting in an awkward way (which means...different from what I usually do) I had a moment of childish tantrum. Omg. Please. I just came here to work in silver and relax and step out of all the talks and drama and worries... won't you really let me have it???!!
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Then I took a deep breath and I tried to see the opportunity there. Where does this awkward piece of silver wants to lead me?
So I went ahead without thinking or planning, assembling pieces as they went. Remembering what is the pleasure in this work, past the plans and goals and whatever.
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A little ball of melted copper at the bottom. Something like hair-roots wrapped around it.
Yes, I hear. Yes, I need to ground.
And the incident when said roots melted and it all took the shape of an almost heart.
Yes, I hear. Yes, always Love.
And someway she turned out to look like an Our Lady, so the halo felt perfectly right if made of leaves.
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Finally...I blame @sticksandstonessf for the hint of bloody red patina - which she used recently in her work and that calls beautifully to my own journey with blood symbolism and what it means to me.