All That's Missing - All You Need

Posted on Instagram on September 21, 2018

"I'll be your mirror
Reflect what you are, in case you don't know
(...)
When you think the night has seen your mind
That inside you're twisted and unkind
Let me stand to show that you are blind
Please put down your hands
Cause I see you
I find it hard to believe you don't know
The beauty that you are
But if you don't let me be your eyes
A hand in your darkness, so you won't be afraid"
(Lou Reed)
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This one has many layers.
Having my mother in law here in town has triggered me in ways I didn't expect.
She is kind to her son, to me. She appreciates what we do. She tells him she is glad to have him around.
And I experience something similar to Christmas or Father's day. I feel like that little kid who doesn't have all that loving love.
I want my mom to be proud of me and see me, see me, appreciate me, tell me how proud she is of the things I conquered, of the steps forward.
.
And I won't have it. That's how things are, and at this point I became decent at giving myself love and approval and cheers. To rely on myself mostly for that. It's one of the biggest things therapy work has given me.
Still...the wound is there and I know I have to witness this sadness. I can't shut it down and let it rot in a mess of panic and whatever.
Today I sat with it and asked for a companion in this, and the doll came.
.
The first layer is...well, she holds a mirror. For when you feel like looking outward for the love and consideration and approval you need. Just look at her in the face. See your face reflected. You are what you need.
.
Another layer is the ancient use of the mirror as a tool to protect oneself from curses, because it reflects them back to the sender.
For me it means that not only I am learning to live without their approval, but that I am learning to not take all their shit.
I used to be the one to take it all. And explode in anger and pain only when I was so fucking full I was breaking. Not anymore. What they throw at me that I don't want, I hand it back to them.