Whole

Posted on Instagram on July 22, 2018

"I found what I'd been looking for in myself
Found a life worth living for someone else
Never thought that I could be, I could be
Happy, happy"
(Marina and the Diamonds)
🖤
This morning I was sitting at the bench, cutting the shape of this snake-moth freak that popped in my mind yesterday night as I was spinning wool.
And I found myself calm. Weirdly so. Nevermind the bouts of OCD that have been a bit rough the past few days, I found myself thinking "how comes people have left for the holidays and bf is out at the market and then mom will leave too, and I am not panicking?". These are heavy triggers for me.
The answer came smooth and natural and immediate, while the saw glided and cut the wings outline..."because I have myself, and that's all I need".
Trust me, this is as out of there as it gets for me.
I am always terrified of not being enough, able to take care of myself and face life. That's why I always need someone to be close, to support me, to help me in a crisis, to help me survive.
Because I never felt capable of doing it on my own, you see? So I always looked to others for it. Cue trouble.
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As I sat at the bench with my tools and my work that has become my lifeline and my safe space and my area to expand my self esteem, for the first time in (always?) I felt whole. I felt happy.
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And this freak of a snake-moth with guardian eyes feels like alchemy.
The two big messengers for change, teachers in the matter of gracefully go through the inevitable cycles in life.
The pure white light of the tiniest herkimer diamond quartz.
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It's for sale, if you feel the call. (SOLD)
Hand fabricated and carved, one of a kind, sterling silver and quartz.

Wisdom of the magic

Posted on instagram on July 21, 2018

"I exist as I am, that is enough"
(Walt Whitman)
💙
This moth was born because I could not part with the first one I made - even though I had promised her to someone already.
I had to step way out of my comfort zone.
"I am bad, I am not keeping up what I said. I should give her that one, even if my heart screams no, because I said I would".
"I am not worthy of keeping that one. Besides, she could be offended by my change of mind."
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I am stepping through a couple of testing days - triggers for my childhood-rooted issues left and right, and me reacting sometimes in the old ways, sometimes in new ones. Small victories.
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So what could I do to push myself away from these unkind thoughts?
I talked with my Inner Child. As she was crying for attention, crying from fear and old wounds. I tried to make her feel safe. To show her we are stronger than they made us believe.
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And we sat together and created this Moth of Magic. Not as a replacement. Not as a substitute. We decided that we are worthy of keeping the first one, and that we trust the kindness of people and that this is meant to be. We trust.
So this Moth turned out to be a sister of the first one, but different in many ways.
She has a body that is more voluptuous - she is definitely feminine, definitely adult.
She demanded labradorite with royal blue flash - the night, the full night, dark and of the Goddess.
She is here to open your eyes to the fact, the holy truth, that you are enough.
That your existence alone makes you enough, essential to the fabric of the Universe.
That there is space for you to grow and improve, but you, by existing, are enough.
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She feels like the Crone.
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And I hope her new keeper will find her message perfect 💙

You are the magic

Posted on Instagram on July 19, 2018

"I want to be magic. I want to touch the heart of the world and make it smile. I want to be a friend of elves and live in a tree. Or under a hill. I want to marry a moonbeam and hear the stars sing. I don't want to pretend at magic anymore. I want to be magic." (Charles de Lint)
🦋
A magic moth of lace and inspiration for @darktownsally 🖤 who paints beautifully and who I happened to talk with yesterday, as she inquired about the moth I had posted.
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And we talked about artist things.
Like how sometimes you want to do something, but people expect you to be doing something else.
Like how you feel pressured sometimes about making what they want from you, instead of what you feel the strongest call toward.
It's common, I think. Even if we are doing the thing we love (be it jewelry or painting), for some of us it's a struggle - wishing to be completely free while worrying about the outcome. The feedback. The financial side of it too.
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And I shared with her how the biggest shift that therapy has brought me so far is that I came back to my art in such a different way. That I go there and do my thing for myself. I share it with the world, yes, and I am ecstatic if it touches others. I am grateful for the sales that allow me to keep doing it. But most of the times, when I am there working, the world and its expectations are left outside. And it's perfect. It's true. It's everything.
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I used to worry so much about how I could create something that was true to me and the work I want to make for this world, while also please others.
It never worked. And I stressed. I even stressed every time I used silver. Will it sell? If it doesn't I will waste so much precious material!
Of course at the root of it there was my fear and my sense of not being enough.
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Now? I do it and trust.
Trust that the love and truth and energy of the work, its soul, will find their way.
And, shockingly, it seems to work.
Yup, I am still surprised every time I make a sale.
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This is to say...we are the magic. We are the light we seek. We are the ones that try to block all of that awesomeness to shine, with our fear.
This moth says trust, trust, trust.
Shine shine shine.

Chasing the magic

Posted on instagram on July 18, 2018

"The moment you doubt whether you can fly, you cease for ever to be able to do it." (J. M. Barrie, Peter Pan)
🦋
For those days when inspiration seems to be just out of reach.
When the connection to the magic all around seems to be such an elusive thing.
And you crave that deep authentic joy of putting pen to paper - pencil to sheets - brush to color - needle through fabric - whatever your creative drug of choice is.
You want to feel that calm and lost in daydreaming and beauty, but your mind is chattering so loudly and your energy is so frazzled.
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And maybe you start to doubt.
Maybe you start to think that you made it all up and that magic doesn't really exists.
Or that you can't reach it.
Or that you have lost the thread that connects you to it.
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That maybe you lost the ability to fly.
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An imagined moth of night and flame, a little body like a woman, almost a Spirit Doll.
With no pretense of realism, with a never-ending love for magic and dreams.
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Hand fabricated in fine and sterling silver, with two drops of labradorite 💙

Ophelia

Posted on Instagram on July 13, 2018

"Like a leaf clings
To the tree
Oh my darling,
Cling to me
For we're like creatures
Of the wind
Wild is the wind
Wild is the wind"
(D. Bowie)
🖤
I don't know what to say about this necklace, except that it took me captive for two days. As soon as my hand flew to the stones and I felt the pull of their magic.
Many things ran through my mind while working on this, a stream of hazy daydreams and emotions and memories.
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Ophelia came to my mind a lot. For some unconscious reason, I am sure, but I can't pinpoint it rationally. Still, it made sense to name the necklace after her.
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The melancholy I have been feeling these last two days, for no particular reason.
And the fact that, instead of running straight to the usual thought ("omg I am relapsing into depression!") I accepted it and allowed it a space within me.
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How I listened to Nick Cave and Johnny Cash and Jeff Buckley, trusted companions in time of melancholy. How I could enjoy these moments because I didn't let my fear of emotions taint them.
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And while this necklace may have started as some song about sadness and tears and darker things, in the end it carries a powerful feeling. A love song. And something victorious.
Does it make sense? It does to my soul.
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This is hand fabricated - it means I cut every leaf and piece from silver sheet, soldered each tiny piece and then used small burrs to carve them and give them the organic look.
The labradorite is like a stunning pond of magic. The garnet a deep drop of blood.
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Sterling and fine silver.