All of my pain - All of my hope

Posted on Instagram on July 31, 2019

"Where have you been, Alice?".
Down the rabbit hole again, I guess.
.
The heatwave was cruel. It messes up with my head, the extreme heat.
Then I had the chance of meeting a new psychiatrist. I was on my own since 2 years, since mine left town.
Happy about the support? Yes.
Terrified about the (needed) change in therapy? Hell, yes!
.
Cue expected anxiety and rise in OCD.
.
Then the house of cards that is my family equilibrium fell and everybody was suddenly too sick of me having, "out of the blue", issues with the most basic things.
Part of the therapy is to learn that other people have right to their emotions too.
Part of the therapy is not to expect others to tell me that I am good enough, to see it for myself.
Still...when you feel face flat on the ground, it isn't the most pleasant thing to hear all of your faults and failures and not a mention of your worth.
.
I felt desperate. I felt depressed actually. It's been a while.
It's been a while since I questioned the point of my being on this planet.
Luckily I am different from a few years ago, and I reacted differently. Actually, I reacted. I have healthier coping mechanisms.
.
Every time I feel down, in a depressed kind of way, a junebug will find its way inside my home. Fly around me. Poke me on the head. Rest on my body.
Every. Time.
And the beloved junebugs didn't fail me this time as well, for three days they visited.
I see a lot in them.
I see their fragile wings protected by the most beautiful rainbow armor.
I see them as flying warriors.
And then, they belong to the beetles family, and their lesson is also about how to literally deal with your shit and make good of it. Use it, rise from it.
.
I supported my broken fearful heart these days with so much silence, so much fight to gain back some of the important things - eat, wash yourself, let someone go grocery shopping, sleep - and so much time bent over the bench, crafting these junebug amulets.
And layering them all on me...
.
Grateful for the long hours spent carving tiny legs, delicate lines.
And in the process, finding at least one tiny reason to stay on this planet: this art of mine. 🖤
All love.