A Heart Of Darkness

Posted on Instagram on August 21, 2019

“There is no coming to consciousness without pain. People will do anything, no matter how absurd, in order to avoid facing their own Soul. One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.” (Jung)
🖤
One week and three days ago, this hand was holding the warm, trusting body of a baby swift - and just a few hours later, this hand was holding a tiny, cold feathered body.
.
One week and three days ago was the day that I started my new meds therapy.
The weeks that lead to it where heavy, between feeling not understood, scared by change, trapped in the old cycle.
.
When I found the little bird, in that exact day, I thought to myself it was a sign.
I was told his wings were too short to fly, because he was too young. Maybe he fell from the nest.
I found him crawling in front of my door, little tail up, trying to move using his wings and legs.
His tiny heart hammering.
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I thought to myself, this is my sign. I am scared to take the meds, but I have to trust that even if I fall someone will catch me and help me. That there is help for me. That everything will be fine.
The following hours were spent finding someone to rescue him, keeping him safe and as comfortable as I could.
Phone call after phone call after phone call, fierce in my determination to give him a chance in life.
.
When he died I had just found someone to take him.
When he died I could not tell myself it was a sign that all would be fine, because it didn't for him.
.
I buried his body under the young apple tree.
I ran home and swallowed the first pill.
Because something told me that all I invested to help him - I have to invest it on my own self as well.
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As I write my head is dropping and my limbs are heavy. Meds are already helping me a little but my body is in no way adjusted to them.
It will take time.
It will take time to be a busy bee again, because my energy level is so low.
But I am here. Still fighting. Still trusting.
Still learning to face my own darkness instead of running away from it. 🖤