Shields

Posted on Instagram on August 20, 2018

"strenght
knows how to be gentle
when to be patient
and
when to walk away"
Kat Lehmann @songsofkat
🖤
I used to think that I needed someone to save me.
To defend me.
To take my side when I was accused and innocent.
To protect me when they hurt me.
.
And I used to think that is how it's supposed to be. That, especially as a woman, I needed a man to be there for me - father, lover. To rely upon.
That, especially as someone so sensitive and with a mental illness so debilitating, I needed some kind of human shield to wave the flag of my cause. To speak up for me so that I would be understood, treated more kindly. So that I would not break down in a million pieces.
.
Yesterday I was that person for myself.
Yesterday I had a giant outburst of years old anger when a relative of mine hit one of my sensitive nerves. Because I was fucking sick of hearing him say that you can overcome depression and panic attack by sheer will. You try that buddy. See how that works for you.
Why yesterday? Because I am learning that I can't just keep taking offenses and words that hurt me, you know, with a small smile and a shrug - and then retreat back in my hole and cry and feel all that hurt and anger.
That I need to speak up.
To say "no, thankyou, I don't want this".
That I am allowed to.
That I should.
That I MUST.
.
I also saw that I overreacted so I needed to take time to apologize for that - while still explaining why it happened.
Taking my own responsibility, giving them theirs.
.
And it felt monumental. Like breaking a 35 years old wall of fucked up programming.
It felt like a million of contrasting emotions coursing through me.
It felt like tears of relief.
It felt like my inner child not able to process what happened and staying stuck in the argument moment - not able to see that I have actually been able to also go past it and that all was actually fine.
.
It felt like my father shame. What he has ingrained in me so deeply that I never noticed it; the shame of having been "too much" in public. Not proper. .
It felt like having a backbone. .
This morning I woke up early and ran to make these shields. They talk about it.