RISE

Posted on Instagram on October 25, 2018

The truth is, I have been deep in self sabotaging.
It started with issues with my relatives, that acted as triggers for a lot of mechanisms I carry since childhood.
They clashed with the new way I am learning to live and behave.
It went on with the psychosomatic party, pain discomfort and all shades in between.
When it ended, when I could have been ready to get back to work - my refuge, my joy - I felt so tired. I told myself it was normal. I waited.
Two weeks later I have done nothing but being silent online, knitting and destroying what I knit (never good enough) and basically running around in circles feeling helpless and quite confused.
It feels very awkward and uncomfortable for me when I can't reach my creative vein in a way or another.
Today after my therapy session my eyes were painfully open. It helped me to realise what I have been doing. I created depression.
See, one of the patterns I had programmed in me is that if you are weak - sick - you get attention. Or you use it to make others feel guilty. When the issue with the relatives happened, a part of me was like "ok know what? I'm gonna have a breakdown so that you'll see how you hurt me!!!". And my sane part said nope buddy, that's only gonna hurt yourself.
But what happened without my awareness is that I put that pattern to work in a subtle way. I closed off creativity, my main source of joy and meaning and self esteem...bringing myself to a place of being shut at home, away from the online community, alone, weak, confused.
So today I forced myself. Literally forced. To go to work. Something ugly may have come out. Fine.
After a first moment of wtf this sucks, I saw it.
I had vision in my mind again!
And I saw this ring.
.
This ring is a promise.
I promise to not forget that I can rise. And rise again.
I promise not to forget that I can soar high.
I promise to keep showing up.
I may fall and fail but I promise not to forget. Not anymore.