MINE

Posted on Instagram on January 13, 2019

Three.
.
The night of the New Moon, I was shaken by its powerful energy, and also under the influence of my pms and its crazy hormones.
.
But I had managed to stay relatively grounded in the midst of fear. I was hopeful.
.
And my mom and bf argued. Loud. .
I was on the couch knitting the anxiety away and I could feel the wave of dread at hearing their voices from the other room.
Stop.
Breathe.
What can you do to help yourself? Knitting is not enough. Ok.
Sit on the bed and bead. Breathe. Wave after wave of panic washing over me.
What are you afraid of? What is this triggering in you?
.
"I am afraid they will leave..."
They won't leave. And if they do, you can't control it. But you can control your actions. So now take care of yourself.
I am afraid my mom will try to kill herself like she did when I was a teen because I screamed at her.
Ok stop. We rationalized this. We know that she probably didn't try to kill herself or she would have ended up at the hospital and not simply have given some meds, right? We know it's a false belief they used to keep you under their control. And also...again, you don't have control over others. You did nothing bad.
Breathe. Beads.
I slept in my clothes that night, too afraid to take them off and go under the sheets...
.
Something my therapists had told me just a week before: I never made a pendant with a key or a door - we were talking about how I struggle with boundaries.
.
After an almost sleepless night I dragged myself to the bench and made this. I hold the key to my heart - to my space. I am mine and I decide what enters and what stays outside.
.
Because, you know what was different this time? Instead of going in "mediator mode", trying to make them come to reason and avoid arguments (and being inevitably dragged inside them), I held my own space.
Not my circus, not my monkeys.
Taking care of me.
Holding myself.
And this is HUGE for me.
I felt like a bad person, because I was trained to go to the rescue and fix everyone else.
But it also felt like such a big weight I didn't have to carry. And that felt good.
.
This necklace is solid and grounding while being minimal.