Lightkeeper

Posted on Instagram on May 11, 2018

Yesterday darkness came upon me like some fierce, relentless creature, tearing wounds open, summoning salty tears. The abyss staring back at me as I could not keep my eyes away from it.
Panic. Pain. Hopelessness.
"Will it always be this hard? Will I keep falling heavy like this, every time I think I may be doing better?".
Thoughts of giving up on life.
Thoughts of killing myself to rid the others of the burden that I am.
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Pain. Pain. Pain. Bone shattering panic blooming from a subterranean absolute emotional discomfort.
Resistance to it all. Muted screams.
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Talking with my therapist. Truth hurts. Hearing her suggestion on what I should do - being terrified of it, yet knowing I must trust her.
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And so I stood there with my discomfort. NOT wanting to feel it, yet feeling it. Opening the heart to the wisdom I know is there, if I only listen.
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One of the first kind of talismans I made, years ago, was the clear Quartz point, wrapped in knotted thread. Soul light for those lost in their darkness. To me quartz has always this presence - magical weapon of light. Something you could hold up to shed light while in a dark cave.
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Yesterday I remembered these first talismans and I saw the Light Keeper Doll.
The one who holds your hand while you are in the dark and you are so terrified you can't even talk.
Today I created her. While finding my strength. While facing a challenge that scared me shitless. And she sang me closer to Home.
As I gave her shape, assisted by five of her sisters - only half shaped, these, still waiting for their final form, yet so present and wise.
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This is what I have learned. That you can't take away the darkness, but you can bring the light in. And that this is the song that sings you back to yourself. .
This is the compassionate, strong, loving, hug-giving and no-need-for-words understanding one. For those who are walking with and through their shadow.
For those who feel weak knees and weary bones and shaky limbs. Who lay on floors to remember how to breathe. Who feel like they are held only by a thin thin thread.
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May she sing you back to hope. To yourself. To Home.
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All love 💙