La Petite Mort Ring

Posted on Instagram on March 20, 2018

It's curious, this process. Healing.
How it is not at all linear.
How it's made up of familiar lows and unexpected highs.
I am terrified of healing. I am terrified of letting myself believe I am actually, really getting better.
Don't get me wrong, fifteen years in the grasp of depression and panic, and all the time I have been going and going and doing all I could to get out of it.
I don't like to feel all that terror and anxiety and darkness, always staring at that black mouth trying to swallow me whole.
But the past 15 days have been good.
And I mean, really good for me. For my standards.
I still feel fear and anxiety but I see myself doing noticeable steps forward; being able, at times, to do things despite the fear.
And when I stop to think about this - to think that omg I may really have a chance at life - I find resistance. A part of me is worried. So much will change. Challenges. Structures falling apart.
The mind doesn't like change.
.
And I create. With an holy energy I can't even start to describe.
With a madness.
.
I talk of the dance with Death.
Being someone who has been suicidal for so long, death is not a new subject. But now I see it more widely. Dare I say more wisely? Hah. That may be too much.
But I recognise Death as not only the end of this human experience. Not only as the blessed end of the nightmare.
I start to see what death is in our living - the kind of death we resist to with a vengeance: death of old personalities. Of old stories we keep telling ourselves, that aren't true for us anymore. Of relationships that are asleep and numb.
.
As usual, Nature knows.
The ways in which what is dead is assimilated into the structure of what is still living. The way in which flesh and cartilage sink down into the soil and come back as grass in a new season.
The fruit rots. The flower wrinkles and surrenders to the cycle.
.
So I play with death. With skulls - in silver, in pearls.
I learn to ask them to teach me to become wise, wiser. More authentic. More fearless.
.
And beauty always comes and laughs and teaches me how I am worthy.