Broken and battered

Posted on Instagram on November 12, 2018

Life feels like wading through dense, milky waters.
It feels like being pulled down, and then it feels like reaching the surface again for a gasp - a taste of oxygen.
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I am so tired.
So tired in so many ways, that even being present, being online, talking, functioning feels like a massive task.
I work slower than usual.
The list of messages awaiting grows.
I have moments when I tell my bf to not talk with me, to just let me sit here and spin wool, because I have nothing to give, mentally or emotionally.
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Guilt tries to grasp me with its cold fingers.
But I am doing the work.
The work of healing.
The work of facing pain and traumas that I bottled up for twenty years and more.
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I am trying to be brave - and it hurts - and it's exhausting.
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This ring has been in the works for more than a week. A proof of my being very slow.
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This ring is how I feel.
It is now finished and photographed, and as I write this my throat hurts for how loud I wailed this morning while I tried to set the stone.
The ugly cry of the seven year old me.
Her pain and loss and anger and loneliness.
And my tears and rage with hers, for what they did to her, for how it shaped the landscape of my life.
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This ring is how I feel.
Battered and broken and patched up in all the places.
Broken open.
With a teary gem in the middle - aquamarine, because, once again, water, water. Water that is working its healing on me with its presence in tears and rain and feelings of going under.
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Broken and battered and so fucking imperfect and hopefully still with beauty - because I have to believe there is beauty in this process, in between the folds of anger and pain. I have to search for that beauty and sing it. .
Sterling silver and aquamarine, a slightly abundant size 8.5 US, and I wish to send it to someone who needs its odd, empathetic comfort.