You are held

Posted on Instagram on April 10, 2018

A talisman, a prayer.
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Yesterday I felt vulnerable, hurt, small. In the power of someone else. Their long time power to make me feel scared, not enough, wrong, on shaky ground.
My instant reaction was to be triggered and fall in the old patterns. Panic, anxiety, self harm in different ways. And the sense of failure... I thought I had done so much, improved, worked on myself, but see, he looks at me like I am shit, talks to me in his usual way, and I am back where I started.
And also... I try to be a good person, respect others, be kind, give love... Then why am I always reaping such crap from those around me?
I had to feel miserable for a while. And cry and panic. Then I stood again. As I drew this talisman I asked myself the questions I learned are important to map my way: who am I hurting if I don't eat? Who am I hurting if I give up? What is it that really hurt me?
And I realised... .
That I needed to feel held. To know that there is something bigger, bigger than my human family, that I belong to and holds me in love.
May I always know that I am held.
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That I need to stay in the space of my Heart. To think, act, work from that place full of wisdom. That I don't want to become a bitter cold person like them.
I may not be ready to love those who hurt me, but I can damn well remember to love myself and my work and what matters to me.
May I always stay in my Heart.
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That to go on in my journey towards healing I need to keep my Heart Eye open. So that I can see past the old patterns and schemes to catch the truth.
May I always have the strength to seek my Truth.
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That to live my Truth in love and grace, I need to keep my head up and honour myself. My needs. My emotions. I need to always remember that I am worthy. That I can use my voice. That I must use my voice. That I don't have to make myself smaller so that some people won't be bothered by my presence.
That, as Gandhi said, I won't allow anyone to walk in my mind with their dirty feet.
May I always be in touch with the warrior that lives in my Heart.
May I always find the wisdom to protect myself from the old patterns and schemes that I am learning to let go of. 💙
And so may you.