THROUGH THE STORM (Hold My Hand)

Posted on Instagram on June 14, 2019

In my last post I shared how I am going through a difficult time.
I did an intense row of EMDR sessions with my therapist, working on some of my deepest traumas...and what happened was a sort of rebellion of all my scared parts.
Parts that are dysfunctional but that have helped me cope with these traumas. They kept me alive the best they could.
They are terrorized of change. Of being forgotten. They are scared of so much.
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The past couple of weeks has been brutal, with strong panic attacks, fears that I had overcome, even needs of self harming (that I resisted, phew!).
I felt like having been thrown back in the awful black hole once again, after having seen a glimpse of light.
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I knew the key was to communicate with all those parts, and I cramped my hand for how much I wrote in my journal.
Still, so much resistance.
Sense of helplessness.
Loneliness.
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Something that became absolutely clear to me is that I need to love myself. I mean, duh, I knew it on an intellectual level.
But this time I had the gut knowledge, you know?
The feeling of...it's up to me to love myself. To love all of these parts.
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You know when you feel like you would just need someone to hold your hand and tell you that they love you?
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This is why I made this pendant.
A labor of love and frustration, created in between moments of calm and (many) moments of shaky hands. Hand fabricated from silver that has been melted, soldered, carved and filed, it took 3 days to complete the hand alone.
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The shape of the hand is such that you can actually hold it, have your fingertip rest pleasantly against the palm (see second pic).
Because this is a tool.
Because when the anxiety fear pain strikes, I reach for it and hold my hand.
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Because it's time that I stop outsourcing my love.
It's time that I love myself.
It's time that I hold my own damn hand.
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This is my own and not for sale, but I wanted to share it and its story.
I will attempt to sand cast the shape and make a little number of these in several metals, each unique, and I will keep you posted.
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All love ❤️