Posted on Instagram on May 25, 2018

If I told you that yesterday I was so so so scared, so tired from the withdrawal, so exhausted by the constant showing up that therapy work requires.
If I told you that I was laying in bed with an horrific migraine, panicked because of a mix of pms and family triggers, and that I didn't want to have a panic attack, that I just wanted to escape it with any means - that I thought fuck it all, fuck the days I fought the withdrawal, I am just going to drink and eat all the meds I can just to make it stop.
If I told you that I was laying there, talking myself out of giving up. Once again forcing myself to surrender to the wave of emotions and physical sensations.
That I was breathing in, breathing out.
Rings made by beloved friends on my hands. Pendants on my neck. My amulets, my reminders of love.
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And that at a certain point, in a meditative state, past the worst of the panic - what seemed like hours - I was in a garden and Mary came to me and let me fall into her arms and cry. That she held me so softly, so lovingly. That she soothed me. That she made me feel safe and luminous and not so desperately small and alone.
Mary, that for me is the most intuitive image of a Great Mother, of a source of unconditional love, the understanding one, the one who kisses your scraped knees. The one who holds you in her heart like her special children, always, always.
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If I told you all of this... Then you would be able, maybe, to understand how I summoned this talisman in the dark hours of the night. How I planned it, shaped it in my mind, considered it - made it my plan for the day to come - another reason to stay, another reason to show up, another reason to surrender.
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It's a beautifully raw textured hollow shape, created hammer blow by hammer blow, surrounded by carved leaves and vines. It's absolutely dark inside, because, as a friend recently told me, in the darkness you find the healing.
But it is pierced - I like to see it like a night with stars. It's pierced so that the light can get in and hit the beautiful quartz point that stands there, strong and wise and luminous.
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This one is for you, whoever you are.