Holy Natural Heart

Posted on Instagram on July 9, 2018

"Sometimes everything is wrong
Now it's time to sing along
When your day is night alone (hold on)
(Hold on) if you feel like letting go (hold on)
If you think you've had too much
Of this life
Well, hang on" (R.E.M.)
💙
When you have been in deep crap for so many years, in such a poor state of mind, and you finally get a break from it all, and feel...decent, even good, for longer than two days...
You kinda get used to it.
And when things turn bad, it's so damn difficult to hold on to your new mindset, to not fall in the old program and feel like you are guilty and worthless. To not think that you are hopeless and things can never really be good for you.
.
This has been me the past two days. Hanging on to the thread of what I learned from therapy, while feeling the old patterns pulling me in the old places.
I feel like I can't breathe.
Which makes sense, since I am all tensed up, my rib cage trying to protect my wounded heart.
.
To shake it all of...to work it out...to do something good out of it. To conjure a magic recipe for this pain.
This is why I sat at the bench today and created this Holy Heart.
.
With the most beautiful sky blue heart, to remember to breathe, to allow the rib cage to expand and take the wide sky in.
With thorns, to acknowledge the pain and what hurts - I am not going to push my emotions down and try to ignore them again.
With wings, because I refuse to give up. I refuse to think I will not be able to soar.
With flames of leaves, again and again, because Nature is Mother and Home and Belonging.
.
The back is engraved with the most delicate "breathe" in my own handwriting.
Delicate engraving, because I want it to feel like a whisper against the heart rather than an order. I want it to be gentle like a breeze.